April 16, 2009

Get in Line!

Ahhhhhhhh……my sidebar is fixed.  I had to change my theme, from cutesy pink to black, but that’s okay.  I’ll work with Big Daddy to change that back.  I’d rather have the black than an unaligned sidebar. I might be shallow, but I’m more compulsive than shallow, so that works out.

I realized this past week, that I’m entering my Sad Season. In three weeks we will mark the second Anniversary of my Mom’s death. It’s crept up on me this year, as we deal with a flurry of activity related to the kids and Baby Bee and getting our house on the market or sold or whatever. I found myself feeling weepy and restless and finally put two and two together. Easter came last weekend, which is when we got the news that my Mom, at 49 years of age, would be moved into hospice care. There wasn’t anything else that could be done for her. Easter morning, as the girls found their baskets, my Dad called telling us to come. They weren’t sure of her time. We went. My heart broke. I’ve never been the same. Literally.

Last year, I upped my zoloft to deal with this time. This year, I won’t for the sake of Baby Bee, but I’ve identified why I’ve felt so tired and off. I’m sad. I miss my Mom. So, to get back on track, I’ve reverted to my most basic; armed with schedules and a to-do list. Hoping that forcing myself to march in order will stave off at least the restlessness.

Make no mistake, this isn’t a misguided attempt to NOT be sad. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. But, I promised myself when she died, that cancer got no more. That was all cancer got. It wasn’t going to get my happiness or my happy memories or anything else. It was getting NO MORE PURCHASE IN MY LIFE. All I was going to give cancer from that day on was a big FU, some possible nose thumbing and a stink palm if I got the chance. No more than that. So I make a list. I plot a schedule. I revel in the sound of a pencil scratching across paper. I march on because cancer got all it’s going to get out of me.

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Tied Up 3 Replies to “Get in Line!”
Jamie

COMMENTS

3 thoughts on “Get in Line!

    Author’s gravatar

    hang in there…I lost my older sister to ovarian cancer in 2004. it hurts me that I could not see her before she went. but have fond memories.

    Author’s gravatar

    Wish I could say something profound and wonderful to you. I cannot. I hope your plan-your lists-will help you get through the sad time.

    Author’s gravatar

    i’m sorry for your loss. i know it’s difficult to lose someone you love so much. cling to those wonderful memories you have with your mama.

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