August 31, 2013

The One Where I Come Clean

I stay out of pictures.

The version of me that comes across on film is never what I look like in the mirror.

I avoid pictures. I promise myself I’ll stop, but I don’t. I tell myself that I’ll lose some weight and in a few months, I’ll get in those pictures. But, it’s been years and those changes haven’t been made and I’ve been purposely absent from nearly every single photo that’s been taken of my family since it’s inception in 1999. This diet will be it! I was always sure of that. I’ll lose 2 pounds a week! I’ll lose 10 pounds a month. I’ll lose 50 pounds in six months! Must I tell you it never happened? Or did you guess that already.

I’ve wanted to talk about weight and diet. About failures and learning, but I always believed that I couldn’t do it until I’d lose some weight. 20 pounds? Maybe a 1/3 of my overall weight that I needed to lose? But nothing ever happened, because I just never believed that this was a serious problem.

In my head I saw some extra weight. Maybe only a little. I knew what the scale said. I knew that earlier this summer when I climbed onto the scale after having been absent from it for some time that I realized I had tipped over a line I never thought I’d see. If I was honest with myself, and I tried to be, I was more than 100 pounds over weight. One Hundred and Eight pounds, to be exact. I tried to hold onto the entire amount I was over weight. I believed that I was being honest by holding on to that accurate amount, but I wasn’t. I still didn’t believe.

On Wednesday, I managed to believe it and then I freaked out for 18 hours.

I realized the depth and breadth of my problem and exactly what one hundred and eight pounds actually means. It was hard. I cried a lot. I felt sick. I wanted to hide in a corner and never ever come out. I was horrified at the time wasted and worse still, I was angry at myself for lying so effectively to myself for so long. But, now I’m armed with clarity. I know the whole story and I’m not hiding anything, from myself. What will I do with it?

I have not one one idea.

Tied Up 5 Replies to “The One Where I Come Clean”


5 thoughts on “The One Where I Come Clean

    Author’s gravatar

    108 pounds is a pesky, scrawny hipster. You can get rid of her! lol

    I’ve got a pesky kindergartener full of self-righteous little justification lurking in me. I am jettisoning her one pound at a time.

    Uh-oh, weight loss just turned into Sybil. :paranoid

    Author’s gravatar


    Author’s gravatar

    It can be overwhelming and never ending. I do the same thing, I definitely look better in the mirror. Thinner and younger!
    Everyone’s line in the sand and moment of truth comes at some point. I was looking at a 2 year old I could no longer blame and seeing the first number on the scale change to a number I had never seen outside of the last month of pregnancy. But I digress because everyone’s line is different. Needing to lose 10 or 20 pounds never seemed a problem, I can stick to anything for a month or two… but when that number gets bigger it is overwhelming. I remember trying to rationalize it… if I could lose 1.5 pounds a week it would only take A FREAKING YEAR! Overwhelming. Everyone knows I lost it because I couldn’t shut my damn mouth when I got close to goal… but I’m definitely side turning and hiding behind children again. What once was lost has been being found. Never ending.
    I mean well, I know what I shouldn’t eat, and for three days this week I was good and yet this very day I stuck candied Popcorn in my mouth. Carbs and sugar and butter all at once. I don’t know if you can see the similarities in me and my struggles, but to me it is the same. I hope I can find the proper amount of will power and turn this ship around before I find the rest of what has been lost. I’m depressed now but I needed to think about this a bit. Perhaps by writing it down it will help me find the will power for tomorrow… and all the tomorrows. I want to be healthy, I really do.

    Author’s gravatar

    No ideas or helpful suggestions, but I definitely could have written this post. I want to make changes, I think I’m ready to make changes, but when push comes to shove…I just don’t. Good luck. to both of us.

    Author’s gravatar

    I love you all so much for your support and your stories. <3 I know I'll need all the help I can get to push through this.

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