The One Where I Come Clean
I stay out of pictures.
The version of me that comes across on film is never what I look like in the mirror.
I avoid pictures. I promise myself I’ll stop, but I don’t. I tell myself that I’ll lose some weight and in a few months, I’ll get in those pictures. But, it’s been years and those changes haven’t been made and I’ve been purposely absent from nearly every single photo that’s been taken of my family since it’s inception in 1999. This diet will be it! I was always sure of that. I’ll lose 2 pounds a week! I’ll lose 10 pounds a month. I’ll lose 50 pounds in six months! Must I tell you it never happened? Or did you guess that already.
I’ve wanted to talk about weight and diet. About failures and learning, but I always believed that I couldn’t do it until I’d lose some weight. 20 pounds? Maybe a 1/3 of my overall weight that I needed to lose? But nothing ever happened, because I just never believed that this was a serious problem.
In my head I saw some extra weight. Maybe only a little. I knew what the scale said. I knew that earlier this summer when I climbed onto the scale after having been absent from it for some time that I realized I had tipped over a line I never thought I’d see. If I was honest with myself, and I tried to be, I was more than 100 pounds over weight. One Hundred and Eight pounds, to be exact. I tried to hold onto the entire amount I was over weight. I believed that I was being honest by holding on to that accurate amount, but I wasn’t. I still didn’t believe.
On Wednesday, I managed to believe it and then I freaked out for 18 hours.
I realized the depth and breadth of my problem and exactly what one hundred and eight pounds actually means. It was hard. I cried a lot. I felt sick. I wanted to hide in a corner and never ever come out. I was horrified at the time wasted and worse still, I was angry at myself for lying so effectively to myself for so long. But, now I’m armed with clarity. I know the whole story and I’m not hiding anything, from myself. What will I do with it?
I have not one one idea.