August 31, 2016

40

So, this is happening.

I have crow’s feet and I think I found a liver spot on my arm and I don’t want to talk about the gray hairs that look like tinsel.  I’ll just buy another box of hair dye and I think I found a gray arm pit hair a few weeks ago, but I won’t be dyeing my arm pits, so I’m going to deal with that.

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Big Daddy pointed out a few nights ago that he as trouble seeing fine print in low light and I realized that maybe I, too, am having trouble seeing fine print in low light.  My eye doctor said that reading glasses would be in the cards for me and I wonder if my inability to get into books this year have anything to do with a need for cheaters.

I remember my Mom dreading turning 40.  I didn’t even buy her any over the hill coffee mugs, like I wanted to because I could tell she was sensitive about it.  I don’t feel that way.   I’m actually convinced that my 40s are going to be the best decade of my life so far.  Big Daddy and I have come into our own over the years.  I think I’d like to give that advice to my girls.  You think that when you turn 20-something and move out and get married that you’re just supposed to have all your shit together.  Your ducks are all supposed to be in a row and you’re supposed to know who you are and what you’re going to do about it.  That’s crap.  You don’t.  But, by 40?  You’ve got it mostly figured out.

Mostly.

And, you don’t care quite as much about the things you haven’t figured out yet.  You realize that things come in their own time and in their own ways.  Love.  Family.  Careers.  Success.  Happiness.  Respectable furniture.

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I have grown up with my husband. Maybe that’s not a huge benefit for everyone, but I’m glad I’ve done it.  I’m glad he knew me when I was 22 and bright eyed and insecure and before my crow’s feet and liver spot.  I’m glad he knows who I was and who I have managed to become.  I’m glad to have been able to spend parts of, now, three decades by his side.  I’m glad that this is the future we were looking to back then and I’m excited for the future that’s to come.  I’m glad, though, that I’m not 22 anymore.

I am proud of the demons I am fought.  I feel able to conquer.  I fee strong and capable in ways I never have before.  I know things.  I am old enough to know things and have a legitimate opinion.  I have lived life and not just a little of it.   There were times, when I was young, when I was sure I was so grown up.  I was sure I knew everything.  I was sure that my limited experience made me at LEAST an expert.  I was probably insufferable.

I remember being the mother of one child who was not yet five and being so sure I knew a wealth of things.  I didn’t.  I knew nothing and I still don’t know much, but I realize that now.  I both know so many things and yet have so much to know.  I’ve lived life.  I feel established.

Forty.

Holy shit, I’m forty.

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Snapchat, I can’t quit you

 

 

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