July 9, 2019

XX

Today, Big Daddy and I have been married for twenty years.

That is a crazy sentence. I’m going to write it again.

Today, Big Daddy and I have been married for twenty years.

In the time leading up to today, I’ve thought about what I’d write here because I have tended to write here when milestones in our life come and go, but I wasn’t sure what I could say about marriage and Big Daddy that I haven’t already said. I’ve written a lot about he and I.

I don’t know how to celebrate a milestone like this with words except to say, we are still here. Sometimes we are crazy in love and sometimes we aren’t. Sometimes choosing each other is easy and sometimes it isn’t and sometimes we get busy with the mundane pace of our lives and forget to. Some days I’m dramatic and DO NOT LIKE HIM (he always likes me). Sometimes his faults are endearing and sometimes the make me want to toss him out the window. Sometimes, I could talk to him for days and weeks and months on end and sometimes, I swear, if he says one more word…

Big Daddy isn’t perfect. He is a beautiful, brilliant,flawed human being that just happens to love me, another flawed, imperfect person. We are raising three beautiful, brilliant, flawed, imperfect daughters. We screw up, make bad decisions, do lazy frat boy shit, can’t communally paint a room and ignore things that no one wants to deal with (laundry, dishes, the cat puke over there). But, I wouldn’t trade us for anything. We are funny and smart and kind and empathic and my deepest deepest wish is that we are raising children who are the same way. Big Daddy straps in when I tell him I just had a crazy idea. We spoil each other. Love each other. Get annoyed with each other and then pick up the pieces to do it all over again.

We’ve had good years, bad years, great years and terrible years. We’ve had years so full of life that I can’t begin to tell you about it and years so boring that I can’t find you something to tell about it. We’ve grown up and grown together and sometimes grow apart a little, but we recognize that and grow back in each other’s direction. That’s the important part. It’s not that you grow up and grow apart, it’s that you realize that you’re doing it and grow back together.

Big Daddy and I don’t have big plans today. The Princess is on vacation across the country with her boyfriend and we don’t have a sitter. Big Daddy has been on a pretty heavy pace at work and we have another road trip this weekend and both the dogs have kennel cough. We have a getaway planned for August, but even though I’d love to be on some beach some place with no one but Big Daddy, I don’t mind the idea of reflecting on 20 years of marriage at home surrounded by the things we have built and are building.

Years and years ago, I was certain something would happen to Big Daddy and me because he was too good and I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t understand how I could be the beneficiary of this much love from this person. Big Daddy has spent 20 years telling and showing me how worthy I am. I don’t usually believe him, but I’m a lot closer now than I ever was. His steadfast belief in me has gotten me through the darkest days of my life. I can tell him anything that’s on my mind and he doesn’t think I’m a shitty person. He indulges my crazy ideas, encourages my talents and puts up with my shortcomings. He has taught me to be spontaneous and loves me when I can’t love myself.

20 years. Five different homes. Seven cats. Three dogs. Ten cars. Lots of jobs. Three incredible babies who aren’t babies anymore. Growth and loss and happiness and sadness and ups and down and everything outlying and in between. 20 years ago I wasn’t sure of much but that I loved the man standing across from me and I hoped he would be forever.

I still do and he is.

Happy Anniversary, Eric. <3

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